Friday, October 28, 2005

kudos Jon, kudos!

The morning after the afternoon before.

I awoke this morning tres sleepy due to a later night than usual and a modicum of insomnia, with the reality that every one at work would have probably read my churlish email already and discussed it heartily prior to my arrival at the office. I would like to pretend that I wasn’t nervous as I dragged my wearily and useless body down Stanley Road with only the upbeat lyrical wisdom of Buck 65 on my CD player to keep my spirits up.

Alas, the first words spoken to me were “good morning Cinders” from Tom- the Project manger and 2nd in command here. This was not a good start, yet I somehow managed not to tell him to F*** off! I just gave him a really angry look- the dead eyes into the back of his head. Tom unfortunately is one of, if the worst offenders when it comes to leaving cups of coffee around the office. Up until now I have neglected to mention this fact to him as a) he is my superior, b) he does work damned hard and is usually first in at 7am and last to go at 6pm and c) I didn’t want to look like a whiney shmuck, which is certainly how I feel today.

Anyhow, aside from this ghastly business getting on my nerves, once again I have split my work trousers whilst disposing of a large quantity of used maps from work (don’t ask!). Please note the word ‘again’ as it is now becoming a far too regular event. By this I didn’t mean I have split this particular pair on more than one occasion, rather I go through an vast amount of kecks. At least when my jeans ware thin in my crotch (sorry for this unpleasantness) they are barely noticeable. I now am going to have to humble myself by either attempting to repair them myself, something which I haven’t exactly been successful at in the past. I could alternatively just wait until I can afford some new ones, which by my current estimations will be 15th November. My mum tried to repair my last ones on one of my visits and I could hardly post them to her…or could I?

Anyway, aside from my threadbare clothing, the new cooker will be christened tonight, wooot! At present it remains unused as Lisa and I enjoyed the hospitality of Sweet Jonny and Eve last night. The best roast chicken meal I think I’ve ever had kudos Jon, kudos! Friday evening awaits me- and I shall as ever, bring you up to speed with the fascinating details of my life.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Only Smarties have the answers and angry shambles

Huzzzargh and Praise Be!! The flat has finally been fitted with a brand spanking new cooker, which now means that Lisa and I can have use of an oven. Wooooo!

Yes, since our arrival in February, we have only had use of a lousy grill and three gas hobs. The oven has been a constant scourge to our domestic bliss. Firstly, it only ever worked on FULL. Secondly, it didn’t even work fully on full, rather it sporadically used to lose its flame and cooking something as simple as a frozen Pizza would turn into an angry shambles. We have got by thanks to our -well mostly my-creative imagination, but only having the use of the hobs does have its limitations; namely I’m sick of Paella, pasta, rice, stir fry’s, pork chops, curry, jambalaya. We have exhausted the sauce and generic carbohydrate meal somewhat- I want things flesh!
Granted Lisa’s chicken and wine stuffed Aubergines were a gastronomic delight, but every once in a while, one just fancies oven chips and a frozen pie.

Anyway, I was forced to take leave this morning to wait our amusing frustratingly eccentric landlords. There’s not enough time in the day (or specifically this day) to go into the rudimentaries of the quirks of Mr. & Mrs. Flynn. Suffice to say they’re a bit odd. The Flynn’s arrived on time but the cooker arrived nearly an hour and a half later than promised, I endured a lengthy and complicated conversation with Mr. Flynn regarding the whacking great big hole we have on the floor by our front door. I also got to investigate our cellar too for the first time-it was like a scene from ‘Seven’ minus the mutilated corpses.

So all systems are on go on the domestic bliss and a fuller menu is now available!

Alas though, work is like a repetitive kick to my gonads. I think I’ve devoted enough space on this humble Blog to my dissatisfaction of working in this office. It appears though, that things have taken a turn for the worse. I have now stooped to new levels of pedanticness as the sight when I arrived at work of our messy kitchen turned my usual mild mannered persona into a clumsy Larry David esque loser. Please see below the message I sent to my department including our director, Managers, friends etc…

Dear all,

Gentle Reminder to all

Sorry to sound churlish and pedantic (moi?) however, as the kitchen is part of our office, it up to everyone to maintain it is kept tidy- therefore there shouldn't be any reason why dirty cups/plates are just left in the sink and on the worktops or on your desk overnight.

Moreover, can everyone please ensure that if the dishwasher is full of clean cups etc, that the cuttlery is put away in the appropriate cupboard. It isn't a big job and can be done in the time it takes for the kettle to boil.

At present the staff member who seems to do this every morning (who shall remain anonymus) is getting rather peeved! Especially when other staff members are taking clean cups out the dishwasher for making drinks yet leaving the rest for someone else to put away. (The same can be applied to the staff member who removes your dirty cups from your desk every evening.)

The Conference Room is also part of the office, and again; will you please ensure your cup(s) and the cup(s) of any visitors are removed once you have finished your meeting.

Once again; humblest apologies if this sounds churlish and I do fully appreciate the irony of the team's suffiest member reminding you of this, however, in the interest of the team's harmacy and well being, your co-operation would be greatly appreciated in this matter.

Many thanks.


PS - Witty and sarcastic replies will not be appreciated (again I appreciate the irony in this statement)

Of course I have calmed down, and since returned to my duty of binding 100, 60 page documents, I feel tomorrow I’ll just keep my head down- alternatively I could just stick my head in my new oven.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

The Hawthorne Effect - Ode to Mr. Benson

Yesterday was our annual work ‘away day’. Suffice to say the only reason I attend these pedantic and usually utterly pointless sessions is:

I get to laugh at seeing my colleague wearing their ‘casual’ clothes.

I get to eat lots.

I don’t have to spend the duration of my day glued to this freakin’ computer.

Yesterday was no different, although it was more enjoyable than I had first anticipated as a) Whilst doodling I invented several promising cartoon characters- I shall post these once I have able to gain access to the office scanner b) the food buffet was Indian and c) I didn’t start to nod off until 3ish. In my humble estimations that’s pretty darned good going.

Of course upon my return to the flat, my evening was blighted by the piss poor television schedule. A series of phone calls when I arrived home scuppered my plans of developing my ISS Soccer Pro Evolution 5 skills further much to my annoyance and soon my general apathy took over whilst I watched with scorn and much resentment ITV’s ‘Britain’s Youngest Drinkers” which they clogged the schedule up with for a whopping 1 and a half hours. Chavs and Vikki Pollards in much abundance.

Whilst it was indeed sad that today’s youth enjoy drinking hideous alcoholic concoctions such as WKD is doesn’t really seem a whole lot different from when I was a lad- except that it appeared easier to get served in a pub when I was a rambunctious under age drinker (God Bless you Frank’s Bar). Its only endearing quality was one of the ‘kids’ was called Staci. No ‘y’ or ‘ie’ –crap modern adaptations of names amuse and annoy me greatly in equal measure.

What appeared to be sadder was the fact that you have a group pf 14 year old smashed out of their tiny little minds, whist a film crew obviously encourage their actions by filming them and no doubt provoking them. I hear the hallowed words from my old Sociology teacher, Mr. Benson “…The hawthorn effect” echoing through my tiny little mind. I’m sure he would be proud of this reference, after our last encounter on the day of my A Level results whereupon he just shook his head slowly in mild disgust and contempt after discovering that after two years of his tutorage and hard work, I could only muster a grade U. (I have included a photo of his look-a –like Bob Carrolgies in his honour)

Where did ITV discover these little tear ways? Did they follow a trail of empty cider bottles through the local park? Or put up an advert in the local Off Licence? Anyway- it did nothing to kerb my newly discovered medical condition- TV Tourettes. Rather than a usual tirade of sarcastic comments regarding the bilge Lisa and I watch- I have now inexplicably found myself barking random insults and the hallowed goggle-box. I am on a steady road to ruin and predict within a few short years I shall no doubt evolve into a Father Jack Hackitt type crank. The slovenliness of my appearance too is a cause for concern. Perhaps a shave is in order?

Monday, October 24, 2005

“Too much milk and honey…”

Yet another splendid Monday morning rears its ugly head. To keep it short- I got soaked again this morning, I sit here at work with crap ‘rain hair’ (as opposed to my regular crap hair) and my trousers are damp around their seat…well damper (is that a word?) than unusual.

The weekend went as quick as ever and was enjoyed by myself to the max. As per my last post, Friday was a work night out and went considerably better than I had expected it to, the small amount of work conversation mostly involved the slagging off of colleagues- at last a conversation I could join in with. Little of worth for me note down here, though it confirmed some less than dignified traits to my personality, which I had been in denial about for some time. Firstly, I appear to be tight with my money. A shock to me, I had always thought of myself as a generous soul, happy to spend it way too readily. Yet after a meal on Friday my true Yorkshire colours were all too clear to see. I’ll attempt to explain:

Firstly, there were eleven of us out enjoying the meal and all 11 of us chose from the very reasonable and tasty set menu - £9.50 for two courses or £11.50 for three courses. Anyhow, I just had the starter and main and only drank one glass of wine. When the bill arrived, it was decided for me that we should all pay equal at £21 each. Now at the this juncture I wish it to be noted that nearly everyone else had a desert or coffee or both and everyone else was knocking back the beers and wine, so everyone was remarking how cheap it was, yet I was the only one who seemed miffed. I half jokingly mentioned that it seemed a tad unfair and it was then insisted that I only pay £15. This, although meant well, meant that everyone else would have to pay more. I couldn’t live with myself and had to argue to make sure that they accepted my other £6, which made me feel even worse. After 10 minutes of polite arguing they reluctantly accepted much to my embarrassment.

We then hit the first bar and a kitty was started up. I suggested £10 and about four of us entered, yet the remainder of the group only chipped in £5 ( I only discovered this an hour or so later) Some of the people who chipped in weren’t drink so that’s fair enough, but the other cheeky sods had at least 3 drinks from it? Now happily on my way to being tanked upon Guinness and Staropramen I thought “sod it”.

As fate would have it, most people left at around 11ish just, leaving me with three other surprised colleagues and £45 of the remaining of the kitty- which paid for several more drinks my taxi and (this is my second alarming self discovery) pizza. Yes despite going out for a meal only four hours earlier I devoured another great Pizza creation from Santa Lucia.

So, for the record; I am a tight fisted miser who is a walking dustbin when it comes to food. My entire team was in shock when I told them of my ‘snack’ and gave me that look like “hey, you’ve got a problem”. I half expecting an intervention when I’m eating my lunch “step away from the sandwich…”

Anyway- to improve my spending issues and fitness levels I spent £50 on records (including the King Cresote album –excellent- will mention in detail no next ramble) and actually got a smile from the usually ultra grumpy Probe Records staff. Perhaps they only approve vinyl sales? I also got a bizarre 12” called “do they know it’s Halloween” featuring members from pretty much every American indie band you can think of. Also Lisa and I purchased a PS2 and I have now no reason to leave the flat.

Friday, October 21, 2005

ode to my bladder

Another day- yet another raging row with one of the sub serviant numbskulls/minions whom are in the employment of Mersyrail.

This time I shall spare you the details, but I would like it noted that it wasn’t me who lost his temper this time; I was as cool as a cucumber. Granted I did loose it afterwards when explaining my tales of woe to Lisa, who automatically assumed I lost my rag and had the sarcasm turned up to max. I protested my innocence too much and an argument ensued whilst I washed the dishes, which only this moment has occurred to me that we do in abundance. Maybe I should wear marigolds? Note to self – stop being a moody twat.

Anyway, it’s been a busy old time of late. Bloc Party on Monday was a nice way to spend a usually drab Monday night. They were okay- not great, but okay. Without wishing to sound like the indie snob I know I can be. Granted, I did spend pretty much spent the duration of the show bustin’ for a slash which impaired my enjoyment somewhat . “why didn’t you just go for a piss then?” I hear you cry- and you’d have a valid point my friend, but suffice to say that after much deliberation I decided that it would be easier to use some Jedi mind trick to convince myself that I didn’t need to go. Obviously I’m no Jedi, hence why I was in extreme discomfort throughout the gig.

It also alarmed me that at 28, I could have possibly been the oldest person there. I’ve now become that bearded grumpy looking guy with his arms folded, sternly holding his pint of Guinness who can be overheard stating that “they’re good- but not as good as The Fall”

Besides the okay gig and the excellent wee immediately preceding it, I was also in the nation’s capital on Tuesday. I can’t really be bothered to go into any details regarding this, but it was good. Some chum’s attended the gig; Mark and Al. Mark, was a friend from Harrogate –then Glasgow and had only recently moved to the big city, and Al was a friend from my Art Foundation and Degree course. The journey back, however, was hellish and I didn’t get back to Liverpool until 4am as it was raining cats and dogs for the journey’s entirety, making life tres difficile. Anyway, this sleep deprivation caused severe grumpiness; hence the lack of patience with aforementioned Mersey rail pedants.

I’m not exactly sure what excitement this weekend will have installed for me, but it is the bi-annual office night out tonight. I’m not exactly looking foreword to it, as conversation usually turns to work within a matter of minutes, but at the very least I reckon if it’s crap, I can make my excuses and be home for 10ish. We’ll see.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Isn't it a lovely day....

Morning all,

I have decided to put myself in a sunnier disposition for the forthcoming week, and hence forth this menagerie of grumpy and surly comments made in the direction of pretty much anyone I have recently encountered shall be no more! I shall explain further:

Firstly, to kick things off- I made it to work on time this morning. Hozannna in the highest and huzzzuargh! Walking to the station this morning I did feel by blood pressure rises slightly as I came to the point where the usual queue of miserable bodies could first be seen- and would you Adam and Eve it, there was no queue as such.

Secondly, I did have a rather pleasant weekend. Nothing spectacular, but nevertheless I did enjoy myself. Jas and his wife; Red Sonia made a rare appearance from the Historic City of Coventry round at J & E’s house on Saturday night. I also finally acquired a new guitar! More on that later

I’m also chuffed as the Mighty Spurs walloped Everton. As our office is primarily occupied by Evertonians it has made this morning most pleasant.

It’s the Bloc Party tonight- which should be good, though it will be something if it is half as good as the Fall-(ah) gig last week.
On a less optimistic note, I going to London tomorrow and won’t be arriving home until 3am ish on Wednesday then in at work for the usual time. To be honest, I sincerely doubt these positivities can continue. Only time will tell.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Give me sunshine....

I woke up this morning full of the joys of Spring. The birds were singing, and the sun was shining. The otherwise usually loud and crass and noisome builders and bin men in the street had a smile on their lips and a skip in their step. It is also John Peel Day too. Although it is going to be a day tinged with sadness at his untimely passing, it is also a day to celebrate his accomplishments and to give thanks, as such, to his contributions etc.
Alas, as per so ,many other mornings, the bastards at Mersey Rail pissed on my bonfire from a great height. Yes, once again I developed a Herbert Lom (Chief Inspector from Pink Panther) style twitch in my eye caused by the stresses and strains of what should be simple journey to work.

To my extreme disappointment, we arrived at the station only to find an Alton Towers style queue. Being a pedant I counted the number of bodies that stood between us and getting to work on time ….31! Alas, I couldn’t tell if it was because the usual culprits were paying by card as the queue was too long, which given my mood was probably a good thing –for my on safety

To compound matters after purchasing my ticket –the train was long gone by this point I was asked by what appeared to be a Mersey Rail Guard if I wouldn’t mind answering some questions for survey. Being the helpful sort I kindly obliged. The conversation went something like this:

Guard: “How did you get here this morning?”

Me: (un-sarcastically) “I walked.”

Guard: “Where are you going?”

Me: (again un-sarcastically) “Bank Hall”

Guard: “What is the purpose of your journey-work?”

Me: “Well if I still have a job. This will be the third time this week I’ve been late for work due to these bleedin’ queues!”

Guard: “Nothing to do with me I don’t work for Mersey Rail”

Me: “I know it’s not you fault but it’s ridiculous though-look at it (pointing to massive remaining queue a full 5 minutes after trains had left)

Guard “ Like I said it’s nothing to do with me. I don’t work for Mersey Rail

Me (Getting angrier) “ I appreciate that, but it’s really annoying that no does anything about it- it’s the same everyday”

Guard: “There’s no point complaining to me, like I said, I don’t work for Mersey Rail”

Me “I know you don’t work for Mersey rail- you’ve said it three times. It doesn’t mean that I can’t air my complaint…..”
At this point I just walked (well stormed really) away down the stairs as I could see that he clearly didn’t give a rat’s arse about it.

Lisa joined me on the platform shortly afterwards laughing at me and my outburst. She was inclined to agree with me though, and the fact that this fella was wearing a coat which had Mersey Rail written on it, and ID badge with Mersey Rail written on it and was with a colleague in the same attire, one would assume he would work for the freakin’ Mersey Rail.

Anyhow, his colleague followed me down to the platform to his credit with a contact card for someone at Mersey Rail to air my grievances and said his colleague wasn’t aware he had these cards on him. Lisa thankfully took the card as I just muttered something about it being no point. My point: If he did know about these cards he wouldn’t have passed the buck and washed his hand’s with my complaint?? Hardly. Also if they didn’t work for Mersey Rail why would he be carrying Mersey rail Cards? It’s a

I’ll no doubt get in touch, but it’s probably best to wait until the huge f***ing rain cloud looming over my head goes as there is a distinct possibility I could make matters worse.

Should you, dear reader, read about some true life ‘Falling Down’ incident in Liverpool concerning an angry tosspot Council Worker who lost his rag and brandished a machine gun to the F***wits at Mersey Rail one raining winter’s morning in Aigburth- then please believe me that I was provoked.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

lazy Wednesday afternoon

It’s not all work, work, work you know. In fact it’s more like work, arse about, make some tea, get annoyed, go on the internet, do a little more work then piss off home.

Well that’s what it can often be like. At present, I have the motivation of a sloth, and for those who aren’t in the know; this is the laziest creature on God’s green earth I could think of. Although, to appease any pedants out there such as myself, it is purely a metaphoric reference as I’m sure there is a plethora of lazier and more idle animals than the sloth, my point is I am in no frame of mind to be working. My aspirations lie elsewhere.

The shoebox of an office I work in is almost deserted. Fat Karen is on holiday with some losers with whom she idly chats away to via the Internet night and day. I can only imagine what a rag tag bunch of nerds and sad sacks they are. Would a normal person lock themselves away nightly to flirt with some fat star trek fan the other side of the country? Upon meeting for the first time realising that he doesn’t have a six pack and neatly chizzled jaw, rather a comb over and paunch. Overall though, it has made little to no difference to this office’s balance of power as she rarely puts in an appearance in the office, especially since the Council adopted an Non-Smoking policy during working hours. Rather that wait for her lunch break like my other more considerate colleagues – she find any excuse to disappear, pack of Mayfair in hand, only to reappear some 45 minutes later.

Yes, as you can probably tell from my ramblings, she annoys me greatly. I do fully appreciate that most of the time; the human being cannot be arsed to do much work, but since I’ve worked here I have struggled greatly to fully understand what she actually does, and how she can justify ‘working from home’! I also struggle to fathom, how despite her leaving work at 3pm every day she gains enough flexi time to take a day off once a fortnight! There is some cooking of books that would make the current labour administration look like a misdemeanour. I should really doff my cap to her for her blatant abuse of the flexi time system.

Anyhow, it wetter than wet outside, which is the only thing keeping me here still as I haven’t fully dried off from this mornings drenching despite the office being as hot as an oven. When did coats stop being made waterproof? My shower proof jacket that I procured during the V Festival 2004 did nothing to shield off the elements.

Aside from the rudimentaries of the office politics here, life is good. I have reasoned that perhaps it is better to have a job with absolutely no responsibilities except to make sure there is enough paper in the photocopier, and not to have to work weekends is far better than working like an ass. Word to the wise regarding the current television schedule: if you haven’t seen it previously ‘Medium’ was on last night. A great show starring the fab Patricia Arquette. Not as scary as the previous few episode, but endearing enough for me to mention of this humble, and lengthy rant.

Should go really- must pretend to be working as the head honchos have returned to the ranch!


Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Latex labotomy

So I managed to make the train on time this morning- zoot alores! Another minor triumph for my bad self-granted I got it by the skin of my teeth but never the less I arrived at work on time for the first time in over a week.

A fairly clumsy and obvious point to make I appreciate-but the mornings are getting awful dark now and my general appearance is certainly suffering from getting dressed in the dark.

I woke up in a fairly unpleasant mood (again) my dreams were haunted by the mind numbing-spirit crushing television experience that I endured last night… ‘Age Swap’. I was more disappointed with myself more than anything else. Lisa happily watched it whilst I annoyed her greatly by venting spleen (not literally of course) at this shocking 60 minutes of TV trash- it was alleged by her that I was getting far too aggressive and wound up over it, but in my defence I was merely pointing out the shortcomings of the programme and the reality television genre as a whole.

Anyway, the premise of the show was that Julie Goodyear and Peter Andre were disguised as a 30 something Goth and old priest respectively, and the cameras followed them around conning people with their Ant & Dec style ridiculous latex masks to the viewers’ pleasure. Clearly anyone whom would believe that anyone resembling Hoggle from ‘The Labyrinth’ (see photo) behaving in an absurd manner whilst a TV crew film them sincerely deserves to beaten hard. For chrissake! I could and should have picked up one of the three books I have on the go, or perhaps listened to the radio in the bedroom, yet for some perverse reason I watched all 60 minutes of it! What is happening to me?

Anyway, it has made my stomach churning job a little better to handle knowing that I don’t have to film and or edit these shows or that I am that stupid or desperate enough to believe that Peter Andre in a latex mask is in fact a 80 year old! With the horrors of this still fresh in my mid- I inadvertently tried to rip the face of someone in the train queue this morning believing it to be a Z lister in disguising trying to get a cheap laugh at my expense. Alas, it was actually a elderly gentleman with a cancerous nose and had only just left hospital after a mild stroke. Oh well – best to be safe than sorry…

Monday, October 10, 2005

“I played a gig in Cardiff last week and had a run in with the Welsh Mafia; They made me an offer I couldn't understand...”

John Cooper Clarke

So yet another dreary week at work commences with the usual queue and disgruntled mutterings under my breathe aimed towards the fellow commuters, whom decide that for one reason or another they want a return ticket to town and pay by switch/credit card. That coupled with the huge influx of new commuters who drive from their nice leafy suburban homes on the outskirts of the city; only to use and overcrowd my only freakin' means of getting to work as a way of avoiding paying a couple of pounds for parking! Why should I get so perturbed by this? Well- yet again, I arrived at the station in plenty of time only to queue like a twat and miss my train (again). The poor fellow in his grotty little booth looks exasperated as he tries to make sure everyone gets their ticket on time. There is one superhero of the ticket selling, who’s name escapes me (I don’t know how-I never knew it in the first place) and he rather cleverly pre- prints the tickets! Genius! This way he has only to take the money. I don’t think that a chap with his superior common sense will be working for Mersey Rail for too much longer though.

Of course, you would think it would to be quite reasonable for me to board the train without having first purchased my £2.55 ticket. Alas, the once a month clamp down on “ticket dodgers” means you are treated to a SS type grilling at your chosen destination when you can’t produce a valid ticket. For those whom know me well enough know of my getting-caught-without-a-ticket tale of woe from my youth. Suffice to say I don’t want to go back to that dark place….

Anyhow- in summation of this weekend’s festivities went to see the Fall supported by the most excellent John Cooper Clarke. To be brief –it was great, but a rather large consumption of booze has left me with little to no memory of the night. My usual delayed hangover was somewhat stunted though this time with a carefully timed pint in Liverpool as I took Luke to the station. Good to see the old boy-though on our much too infrequent rendezvous my poor, poor liver cries in pain –as if a thousand voices had cried out in terror, only to be followed by silence….

Common theme running through my head today- I need a new job- I need a new job- I need a new job- I need a new job- I need a new job- I need a new job- I need a new job- I need a new job- I need a new job- I need a new job- I need a new job- I need a new job. I’m 29 in May and I still hold the position of a dog’s body. Anyone who knows of anyone who is looking to hire a sarcastic, scruffy, pedantic, smart alec, cheap, hardworking and untalented schmuck to work for them- please forward on their details to me. .

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

John peel Tribute

As you will undoubtedly know already, next week will be the first John Peel day, and in order to pay homage and show appreciation, two of John’s favourite bands of late to hail from Liverpool; Cranebuilders and Ella Guru will be playing a show on the 13th October at Liverpool’s Las Vegas Bar (opposite Lime Street Station) as part of the John Peel Day festivities.

Of course there are events being held across the city/country and all of them would be no doubt fitting in tribute to John’s accomplishments, but should you have made no plans as of yet on what you plan to do to celebrate this event, then why not come along and show your support. There will be a very small door charge –aprox £3 but all proceeds will be going to charity.