Friday, May 12, 2006

Lady he's putting my kids through college.

There’s nothing quite like the tranquillity of an air condition system in an other wise manic office. Another bastard day at the office is soon to be over as I firmly intend on leaving early today.

It’s been rather uneventful thus far excluding the stress factor everyone her is under (with exception of you know who of course).
Despite it being the 12th May today, I have reluctantly agreed to hold some form of birthday type celebrations. I say reluctantly as whilst doing the washing up two days ago I found myself to be in a most despondent frame of mind. Due to the ever unreliable Liverpudlian Postal Service I was relatively dismayed that I had only received three birthday cards. Sobbing into the fairly liquid foamed washing up bowl, I informed Lisa, who was encouraging me to agree to do something to celebrate my long past birthday, that it was too embarrassing to ask people to come out for my birthday nearly two weeks after the actual day. However, once I had stopped feeling sorry for myself, I decided that it would be cool just to meet up with my chums and go out for a curry. Surely the fact that I was out of the country until last Mon counts in my favour? Thank God I don’t know Larry David eh?

We’ll see how it goes, as I notice that the older both I and my friends get the more subdued the birthday celebrations get. Long gone are the 12 hour benders, night clubs etc, instead we contently settle for either an evening in our abode or a modest night out in the local. Thank God.

I also get to show everyone my box of spunk I brought back from Germany, and queue the double-entendres. (Matt’s Spunk tastes nasty etc).

Anyway, just a short blog entry again, as it takes time to build up one’s stamina for waffling or bullambling (copyright Lisa.T 2006)

Thursday, May 11, 2006

you don't have to be mad to work here- angry will suffice.

My brain is exhausted. My poor arse is swore and my brow is sweaty. Only two days after my triumphant return to theses shore from a 10-day tour of Germany and life is, alas, exactly how it once was. To make the 8 hours of hell at this ole’ office worse, it’s now getting sunny. On the occasion when I get my backside off from my chair, I wonder aimlessly towards the other side of the office where our only window is, I gaze out at the bright blue sky and the scantly clad residents and wish that, above all else I too had a window.

It felt as if I hadn’t been away at all. Fat Karen decided to test my mettle by wearing a slightly shorter skirt than usual. Her pasty cankles (calfs/ankles) ruined what would have ordinarily been a splendid lunch for me. Thanks!
Of course she left the office under the pretences of going to a meeting well before 3pm thus alleviating my nausea.

My lunch was, despite the temporary blindness, a delight. For there in my opinion nothing finer than bringing in leftovers from the night before.

Of course you do open yourself to the usual barrage of “what are you eating?” or the more common- “did Lisa cook that?” I mean I’m not Andy Capp, I can F***ing cook you know. Infact should you have accidentally read any of my previous posts you will know that I enjoy and take a tremendous pride in cooking.

I also recall a particularly irksome moment when Corrigan (my main purveyor of angst whilst at Abbey National) smelt my dinner being re-heated in the catering style chrome microwaves :

“Euuuh! That smell awful”


This was the woman who’s little catch phrase of “you’re off your head you are” every time I said something slightly caustic or humorous. Worse was the more blackboard fingernail painfully catch phrase: “do you get me?” when she actually meant – do you understand. She was nice enough I guess its just I’m just a petty man and her ruddy face and man hands just drove me mad. That plus her infamous “I think matt would have the biggest Dick in our team” comment, which she justified by stating that I was laid back, and allegedly laid back men have bigger schlongs. Sadly this comment and the usual stress levels she casued whilst I worked near her probably cost me abour 2 inches! Thanks Corrigan!

So Germania was a blast.
I turned 29 whilst in Liepzig.

I shall excuse you from being forced to read my usual ramshackle approaches to documenting my pathetic and uptight little world…for now. I shall give as full as an account when I can be arsed.

In the meantime I’ve spent the last few hours pondering why some baldy dick head in a small white van felt obliged to call me a ”stupid twat” yesterday. I feel that the bugger assumed I had made some form of incorrect driving manoeuvre- which I can assure is highly possible. But from what I have learned is that shouting abuse to your fellow motorist is okay so long as they can’t hear you (hence my alarm when I call another white van driver a twat at 8am in Feb).

It has perplexed me somewhat. Perhaps he knew me?

Anyway I’ve got too much boring work to plod through.