Friday, March 09, 2007

Tattie Water

I arrived at work this morning shocked to learn that some sadisticschool has sent a poor defenceless 15 year old girl to this office for her work experience. Worse for her is that she's going to be guided and mentored by Tony. Already he has ensured that she will be attending someof the most boring meetings one could imagine as well as our 6 monthly team 'away day.'

I felt like slipping her a note, informing her to run for her life- but I suppose two weeks here will be enough to put her on the straight andnarrow, after all working shoulder to shoulder with moaning gits likemyself would be enough to inspire any young scholar to knuckle down andwork hard. Interestingly and suprisngly she seems quite keen to learn. I hope to God for the sake of the future generations to come, she doesn't enjoyworking here.

My previous work experience experiences have been nothingmore than a manager's son/daughter coming into work, looking bored as hell and playing patience on the computer trying not to get under anyone's feet. I saw her write something earlier today, and she wrote with the paper a full 90 degrees anti clockwise from how any normal person would write. It reminded me of the girls from school...Anyway,I'm going to be nice to her as she'll probably be my boss in about ten years.

Of course being a veteran of some 27 jobs, I can recall my own work experience in Currys when I was 14 and the positive impact it had on my life, after all I wouldn't have got where I was today if I hadn't worked there. I remember enjoying the experience, especially as most of the staff there hated the job, but at the same time appreciated that it was easy. Perhaps my career path could be attributed to this ethos? Most of all I recall going to the local greasy spoon, Gloria's for a portion ofchips every single day. I can also recall a really awkward conversation I had regarding this cafe. When asked what I thought of it I said something to the effect of "it full of smoke and single mums". This was greeted with "what's wrong with single mums?" and the admission from mycolleagues that they were brought up by a single parent. Of course Idon't think there is anything wrong with single mum's, and looking back at it now I can see they were just fucking with me, but I felt terrible for years about that. Oddly enough, whilst working as a labourer some 9years later I was left in Gloria's for three days to gut the place out.Ironically the purveyor's of the unhealthiest food in my local town was to be converted to a fruit a veg shop.The Cafe was is a very poor state, t'was REALLY disgusting.

On the first day our boss arrived with brand spanking new gloves for us all. This was surprising to us all as despite the fact the gaffer was a top bloke, he was as tight as a camel's arse in a sandstorm. When I saw the extent of the dirt and grime in the cafe I was extremely grateful. Alas, within ten minutes, I attempted to remove a extraction fan duct. Big Al' and I moved this heavy cylinder together slowly and took it outside to the skip. As we lobbed it in bothh is and my gloves were stuck fast on the 1 inch think grease that coated the metal and we both almost ended up in the skip too. We had to sacrifice the new gloves as they proved impossible to be peeled off fromthe ex-duct. Our boss wasn't too enamoured when he asked for the gloves back at the end of the day.

Whilst doing this job, I encountered a dog'sbody roofer in his late forties who look as if he'd smoked forty a day for the last 30 years.For some reason the topic of masturbation came up- I can only assume it was myself who started it. Anyway, this guy said that he could easily wank about 6 times a day and his p.b was 17!!!! He then uttered these haunting words that have stayed with me since:

"When I was your age (22) it was like a flow of hundreds of whitehorses galloping into the sea, and now it's like tattie (potato) water"

Anyway, I passed this useful and insightful information to our work experience girl today though I'm not so sure she understood what I meant. Providing a sample for her probably wasn't the best idea I've ever had.

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