Saturday, March 10, 2007

Don't talk just kiss

Not knowing the correct terminology can cause embarrassment, none more so as when one is growing up. When I was 11 on a school trip to Devon, I was excitedly told by a friend that two class mates had 'frenchied' for1 minute.

I didn't know what the fook he was talking about and asked innocently as to what this meant.
I was laughed at nervously and mocked by my friends for my naivety, suggesting that until five minutes ago they where unaware too.

"French Kissing!" I was told.
"Oh!" I said.

I thought for a moment trying to rack my brain as to what this could mean. I must have looked confused and was badgered by said friends to provide an explanation as to what it meant. I thought on my feet, which was lucky as I was standing up:

"It's how French people greet each other" I suggested.

This was greeted by looks of confusion, no doubt assuming that our Gallic neighbours stuck their tongues down each others throats upon meeting one another.

"You know, kissing on each cheek" I explained. A look of relief and modicum of disappointment washed over their faces.

"ahhhhhh- you don't know what french Kissing is" Was the taunt hurled into my innocent ears.

I came clean about my innocence.
One of my friends tried to demonstrate to me-not on me of course. After five minutes of confusion of my friend sticking his tongue out and waggling about it was fully explained to me....

"1 Minute!!!??" I said when I realised!
I had opened Pandora's Box.

Later in life, approximately 4 years, I still hadn't had a girl stick her tongue down my throat and I was literally bursting with hormones. If we'd had a dog in the house at least I could have practised on it, but thankfully for all, we only had cockatiels. Trying to kiss a small tropical bird wouldn't have been a pleasant experience for either me nor the bird. Alas, it appeared that all and sundry were snogging. I was informed of a party where an acquaintance walked in the door and had snogged two girls within 10 minutes, he said it was easy. This sounded too good to be true, akin to the last days of Rome and not knowing any girls willing to play spin the bottle with, it sounded like the only course of action to take. Thankfully Fortuna smiled on me in the form of a school trip to Ypres so I didn't have to befriend these harlets togain access to their inner sanctum. A day and a half travelling to Belgium, 3 hours of looking around some old trenches, followed by another day and a half of travel.

"It was a sure thing", I thought.

Sadly my lack of knowledge of kissing terminology cost me dearly. At the time, I had was pretty much head over heels in love with a girl from my class. Before we set off, I ensured that this was known by at least acouple of her friends- setting the wheels in motion and she'd find out. If she liked me in that way then all she had to do was ask me out, if she didn't then I would throw myself from the Famous White Cliffs of Dover on route to the continent.

The signs were good, I was sat next to her for most of the journey. Alas, once in Ypres I was asked in front of a large group of my mates by her closest friend "would you get off with her on this trip?".

I say "Alas" as I was unaware what 'Getting Off with' meant. I though it meant full on sex, which freaked me out. My reply was "really???"

"Yes-you could do it on the coach on the way home"

I freaked and could feel the pressure "well, that depends on how much you pay me".

Her friend tried to pick me up from my seat and drag me over to where she was sitting. I fought her not to move from where I was sat as I had the biggest erection ever! She left to inform this girl of my response. My friends thought I was insane. It would be safe to say that when I found out what 'getting off with' meant in the following few minutes I tried to jump of the white cliffs of Dover on route back to Blighty.

Anyway, I promised myself that if I was ever asked by a girl to do something that I wasn't sure about, I'd say yes- it had cost me too much heart ache. Anyway, the other night I was asked by Lisa if I wanted tobe fisted.....

LCD Soundsystem tonight...sans booze should be interesting.

2 comments:

Kojak said...

When I was a kid, a Frenchie was a condom.
I'm glad these things are different everywhere.

Linette said...

Great work.