Sunday, November 26, 2006

“Make way, Administrator coming through” Mitchell & Webb

I went to go and see The Two Faces of Mitchell and Webb last night and they were tres funny. Sadly, we had to wait for over an hour and a half to get in as their projector was not working. I don't mind queuing as long as it's not too cold. As I retorted to one of my friends "it gives you time to think".

So we waited, and waited, then after being fobbed off we waited some more. It was getting colder, and you could hear the masses grumble at this predicament. It wasn't long before we saw two bouncers help an elderly gentleman indoors as he looked like he'd had a funny do of sorts. Something had to be done.

Shortly afterwards, once the ambulance had removed the body of the frozen old chap, the Royal Court Manager came out with his emergency megaphone to address the masses.

"I would like to apologise for the delay, but we are experiencing some technical difficulties. The projector that Miguell and Weed (sic) use isn't working- and they apparently can't do the show without it."

A large groan and a couple of boos was emitted by the freezing masses.

"It looks like the show may have to be cancelled unless we can find an expert on Microsoft PowerPoint…."


"Anyone? Please?"

This was the moment I'd been waiting for. Years of working as a poor dog'sbody in a multitude of crappy offices had been preparing me for such a moment. I felt my heart racing, the adrenalin was pumping round my frozen body- the type of excitement that is akin to doing the lottery and getting the first two numbers and waiting with anticipation for just one more number. I raised my hand and decreed:

"I have the ECDL!"

The crowd gasped with awe.

Lisa put her arm around me "Are you sure you can do this Matt?"

"I was born to do this"

I took off my coat and placed it around her shoulders, gave her a kiss and was escorted into the venue

"Make way, Administrator coming through"

We passed the grieving widow sobbing in the corner, passed a line of theatre workers all saluting me until we arrived at the stage.

"What seems to be the problem?" I asked the head technician.

He looked back at me with a worried expression. The strain was showing.

"We can switch the projector on, but the image on the lap top isn't showing… I've tried everything….it's hopeless. David Mitchell will have my legs broke for this!"

I slapped him hard across the face.

"Calm down man. You're losing control."

I slapped him again to make sure he understood.

Tears filled up his grey eyes, so I gave him a hug, the held him by the shoulders.

"What's your name"


"Well Robert, my name is Matt. What I want you to do is get a hold of yourself, everything is going to working just fine, and when it does start to work you're going to need to be ready for the start of the show."

He wiped his eyes, took a deep breath and saluted me. I felt like Mr. Wolf.

"God bless you Matt, God bless you"

The pressure was on.

I sat down at the lap top and ensured that all the relevant cables were correctly attached.

"I've checked them twice." Robert shouted defensively.

I took no notice. I was in the zone. The PowerPoint was running fine, but as Robert had mentioned there was no image being shown via the projector. I stoked my beard, and thought back to my PowerPoint mentor Stephen and the advise he gave me when I struggled to get the projector set up that fateful September Morning 5 years ago. What would he do?

I thought back. What was the invaluable advise he gave me? If only he hadn't died saving my life from that demon photocopier. If only it was him here and not me.

Confusion and panic turned to despair

I put my head in my hands and let out a long depressed sigh.

"This guy doesn't know what he's doing" I heard the manager say

"Get him out of here"

Suddenly I heard a sweet scouse voice echoing in my head.

Stephen is that you?

"Use the function keys Matt- use the function keys…"

That's it! Huzzzzar! Thanks Stephen!

"Have you tried pressing Fn and F4?" I barked

The blank look Robert he gave me back indicated that he hadn't.

I looked up and saw a nervous looking Mitchell and Webb in their costumes on the stage and knew this was it!

I held down the Fn key with my left hand and pressed the F4 key with my right and closed my eyes hoping for the best.

"You've done it!" A voice cried.

I opened my eyes to see the slides with the humorous doodles on flickering on the screen.

"Kalu Kalay!" I shouted.

I heard the cheers from the crew and staff. I was a hero.

The manager came up to me and took my hand into both of his sweaty hands and shook it so enthusiastically that I thought I'd never play the piano again.

"On behalf of the Royal Court, I would like to bestow my eternal gratitude to you for your endeavours in saving tonight's performance. I'd like to…"

"Don't mention it-" I interrupted "but with all due respect- there's a lot of cold people out there. Your job is to ensure they're all let in soon. The show must go on"

I then felt embarrassed that I'd used such a cliché.

I was escorted back to the queue with the largest of the five bouncers by my side. "He's done it!" the bouncer excitingly cried.

This was followed by the largest cheer you could ever hope to hear and women and men ran up to me kissing me and shaking my hands. Sadly it was the men kissing me and the women shaking my hands. I didn't care. I was ecstatic. I could see Lisa looking cold in the crowd. I ran over to her- hugged her and carried her into the venue. The crowd moved aside, tears of joy in their eyes. It was like a scene from Officer and a Gentleman….

Anyway, Mitchell and Webb went on to do a storming performance. No reference was made to my endeavours, but when they did their "are we the baddies?" sketch, I noticed them look to me in their Nazi regalia, and they both winked at me simultaneously.

No comments: