Friday, June 30, 2006

No more Mr. Whingey

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Well it’s funny how and hour of cycling in the sunshine listening to my MP3 player, a splendid dinner of lasgne (including my own patented home made lasagne sheets) and a good night’s sleep can improve one’s outlook on life. No more Mr. Whingey. I unequivocally apologise for moaning like I did in my last blog. I was weak and depressed. The lack of World Cup entertainment had a sad and profound effect on me, I assure you that no one was as surprised as I when I found myself in the pits of despair over my financial short comings, however I am happy to point out this ‘glitch’ has now passed and it’s business as usual.

I knew I was back to my old self when I found myself rolling my eyes and sticking the V’s in the direction of the TV when another cavalcade of terrible adverts ensued. Being relative novices to the world of non-terrestrial television I must report my dismay at the amount of poor quality commercials that are shown on these channels. Notably there has been an insurgence of piss poor breakfast cereal adverts for no reason. One of the main culprits was my old ‘favourite’ Sheddred Wheat Bite Size advert- you know the one with the annoying teenager who says “Sarah’s mum …” whilst the mother looks no- plussed at her daughter’s enthusiasm towards her friend’s dear old mum. I’d hoped that this advert had died painfully, but alas it is my sad duty to report that it lives on in the world of UKTV Gold. This shameful display of trying to convey to us viewers the healthy properties of the cardboard flavoured roughage is literally ‘too annoying’ to watch. Surely the mum after hearing all these toe curling comments about how Sarah’s mum is so cool- does she not tell the daughter to “Shut the f**k up!” whilst she tried to eat her breakfast? It also begs the question “just how great is Sarah’s mum?” Who is this woman of which the advert is based around- and if she is so wonderful, the why didn’t the folks at Nestle use her for the advert?

The more excruciatingly bland advert is the couple- Tony & Helen who display their adulation for weetabix. “Today I’m eating my Weetabix with Blueberries and Yoghurt” Who gives a flying f**k? Can you imagine trying to eat a weetabix with yoghurt? How painfully dry would this be. Wheatabix- my stable breakfast cereal since the eighties should be enjoyed as the weeabix bunch (see above pic) intended- with lots of effing milk! God this couple annoy me. It’s done in that irritating video diary manner with their bland boring looking home wearing a smug look on her face as she takes a bit of the cereal in her annoying hotel style dressing gown (I hate the sight of dressing gowns anyway) as she talks to the camera. Is this the lifestyle today’s couples aspire to be like? A big house, blueberries in the fridge and a skin headed husband who no doubt met her when he was a coke dealing bouncer. She can shove her f**cking Wheatabix up her arse and that’ll fill her up till lunch.

These adverts put the quasi irritating “they’re gonna taste great” Frosties advert into perspective. Granted these appear to be the only adverts on the telly that don’t refer to football in someway which I suppose can only be a good thing.

Unlike so many of my learned friends, ( it’s pronounced; “learned”) I’m never interested in the product being advertised, rather my interest lies in the entertainment values of the advert, after all it rudely interrupts my viewing pleasure so why shouldn’t they make it as stimulating for me as possible. E,g the Honda advert- you know the one with the guy dressed in the colour’s of St. George singing to the camera whilst travelling of a series of bizarre modes of transportation. I love this advert- but couldn’t give a toss about the product. I’m never going to buy a Honda. I don’t like Hondas- who does? But the adverts itself fills 45 seconds of advertising space with an entertaining series of images and music. Of course this opinion has been contradicted by Mark’s blog
- and although he’s correct with every thing he states, I still love it for its sheer daftness. Though it’s not as good as my current favourite: Becks Advert. Fraturing the animated man/puppet etc dancing.. Pure. Simple…gggggggrrrreat!

There has also been somewhat of a resurgence of good quality music on adverts. Long gone are the ‘Stiltskin’ and ‘Babylon Zoo’ days when no credible artist would never have one of their precious songs bastardised into a advert, but the times they have a changed. Of course it’s not all good- for example effing Moby appearing in just about every advert.

I’ve come to notice several long lost tracks being re-born on today’s advertisements. The fist such example of this was when I heard Vashti Bunyan on an Orange (I think it was Orange-see no attention to the product) commercial. The women’s music had been left forgotten about for some thirty years and now her sugary and blissful voice can be heard coming through millions of goggle boxes nation wide. A few weeks back I was sat in the flat as usual watching the TV when an advert featuring a song by the undisputed King of Skiffle Lonnie Donnigan (RIP) came on. Genuine shock and pleasure at hearing it. John Peel –the voice over to many an advert would have been thrilled I’m sure. The very next advert that came on featured the music of another old Peelie favourite Louden Wainright III’s . Alas the original song ahs been butchered and what was once ‘Dead Skunk in the Middle of The Road’ has now bizarrely become ‘Dad’s pants in the middle of his roll’ which I think is an advert for Ribena or other children’s beverage. This butchering of an original song is surely worse than the Suede track ‘Fashion’ which has been re-worked for a DFS advert. Granted I didn’t like the original either- but obviously B-r-r-r-ettt Anderson needs to pay the bills somehow.

Anyhow- I talk about adverts too much at the best of times- so I’ll let it go for the time being, after all a good weekend lies ahead, and for once I’m optimistic of its outcomes. The smell of my own flatulence has never smelt as sweet.

Whilst on a high- this track came up on my MP3 whilst cycling endlessly around Sefton park last night, man I forgot how good it was. Let’s share the love

  • Holy Fuck – Cadio Bossa Nova
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