Temp, Temptations (like a log)

Thus far this Monday sucks big time.
The weekend was good, which is probably why it feeling such a friggin’ chore to be here today.

I bowled like a God.

I argued with Phones 4U like a pensioner…

I drank like a girly priest….

I built drawers and shelves like a pro-drawerer/shevererer….

I slept like a log. …

I awaited a ‘new’ bacon incident with no luck…

I drank more like a man and less like a girl but still liek a priest…

I talked like a twat. …

I gave people ‘Frozen Hugs’…

I resented my ‘Frozen Hug’ labelling.

I slept with a priest…

..no wait- that not right!!

I hope you appreciate the quick surmised version of my weekend’s goings-on. Suffice to say that Happiness is three strikes in a row whilst enjoying beer served in pitcher by a pin monkey. (that and swimming goggles- happiness truly is swimming goggles)

Hell, on the other hand is finding out that the only guy in the office who is lower down than me on this flimsy hierarchy we have installed here, is to leave. The lucky bugger has landed himself a great job earning a hell of a load more cash than me with responsibilities and all of the other things we lowly administrators crave.

It reminds me of how I used to feel when colleagues resigned when I worked at Abbey National - somewhere between jealousy, sadness and bitterness- think of the moment in Withnail and I when Paul McCann’s character returns from speaking to his agent and informs Withnail that he has landed the lead role. Withnail’s “congratulations” (Possibly the best piece of acting in the film) is exactly how I felt when I conveyed a hollow ‘well done’
I’m not going to beat myself up about it, but as Mike was covering for Debbie whilst she is on her maternity leave, and she’s not due to return until June, it means that we’re going to have to get a temp in.

(exasperated sigh)

This means that I’m going to have to show whomever is unlucky enough to take on the role, this job. I’m once again going to have to be helpful and polite.

(exasperated sigh)

I’m going to have them coming up to me when I’m arsing about on the internet asking me questions I can’t be bothered answering.

(exasperated sigh)


All this talk of not wanting to be helpful and sighing in an exasperated manner, might seem a tad tight and is no doubt portraying myself to be a particularly unpleasant person, but I’ve had to do this on so many occasions. It’s crap.

It’s worse if the temp should quite reasonably decide that this job is lousy, and decide to leave. I’ll have to do it all again. I just don’t have the heart to do it anymore.

My first week here, I was employed to work the reception for three weeks whilst Debbie enjoyed a 3 week marriage/honeymoon in Thailand (why do people feel the need to get married abroad?). There was a young girl who was doing the job I do now. I don’t remember her name, but I did remember that on my second day she offered everyone in the office a cup of tea except me. Bitch. Anyway, on the following Monday when she hadn’t returned to work I had to call her agency, who after trying to call her themselves said that she was in fact a teacher and had returned to work now that the holidays were over! Great- so I had to sort out a replacement. As the agency felt bad about this misunderstanding, they sent someone new the very next morning.

The new temp was only aged about 16, and despite the main criteria for the job being typing and using a computer- she had absolutely no computer knowledge what so ever and could barely spell her name. I did feel terribly sorry for her, as quelle surprise,; her agency told her the job was just answering the phone.

Anyhow, she went out for her lunch break and never returned again!

The next temp was the worst. A fat twenty something with a scouse fake tan, straightened ginger hair, wore her denim jacket indoors and revoltingly long fingernails. On her first morning when I showed her where all the data she required was on the computer, she said :
”what’s with the beard?”

I mean, this was her first day, and it was the first conversation she had with anyone in our office! Later I heard her remark to Sean (to whom she was directly working for) ”You look like Lilly Savage”

Granted, he does, but decorum states that you at least wait a few weeks or days before you start insulting your colleagues/superiors. No surprising that Fat Karen befriended her straight away. She was the annoying type who used phrases like “you’se are off ‘yer heads” Thankfully she left after a week. I was so glad that she left before I killed her..

The next two temps were okayish. One was from Belfast and had a seriously bad dose of acne. So severe that one shouldn’t mention it (like Orca fat) anyhow, she only lasted a few days before quitting, but then she was a bit of a weirdo. The next girl stayed the longest and was proper quiet– nearly two weeks. Whn she left and Debboe returned they asked me to do the role. Of course like the sucker I am, I said yes and the rest, as they say is history.