Friday, April 20, 2007

Three Muffins- A tale of Remorse

Returning to the familiar guise of being a twat, I've been reveling in my own unpleasantness the past few days. I'M BACK BABY- I'M BACK!

This was mostly inspired by an office cake incident this week to bring out the inner twat..

On Tuesday I inadvertently ate someone's cream cake which happened to belong to the current bain in my life. It was an honest mistake- but the nicest cake I've ever eaten.

Traditionally, the colleague who was celebrating their birthday has always bought the team cream cakes, and on Tuesday birthday felicitations went out to our boss. We were informed that we each had a designated cake waiting for us in the fridge and to ask his PA as to which cake is theirs. This sounded tremendous, though the allotting of specific cakes confused me somewhat.

Moments later, I overheard a conversation between said PA and a friendly manager.

"Am I okay to help myself to a cake Sue?"
"Of course- just wait a second...” She checked a piece of paper.
"Take anyone you want- except the chocolate muffin- that’s mine" she said politely but firmly.
"Great- thanks!" He replied, and trundled off towards the kitchen rubbing his stomach in anticipation.

Five minutes later another member of staff.
"Am I okay to help myself to a cake Sue?"
"Of course- just wait a second...” She checked a piece of paper again.
"Take anyone you want- except the chocolate muffin- that’s mine" she said in the same tone as before.

I waited ten minutes and ask the same question.
"Oh, I'm sorry Matt, but I've designated a cake to everyone who asked for one yesterday"
“But you said Neil and Lee could have anyone”
“Yes but he said they didn’t mind what cake he had when the team was asked yesterday”
"Oh. But I was on leave yesterday"
She gave me a guilty look and a shrug of shoulders
"Well, we wanted to make sure that we didn't buy too many. Just wait a second and I'll see if we've got any spares"

She walked in to the Director's office with her precious piece of paper leaving me feeling like a mook. I could feel that I was rolling my eyes and grimacing.

She came back in still looking guilty.
"We bought a few spare ones so you could have one" she said reluctantly.
"Great!" I said trying not to sound too needy.
"What's probably best is that you wait until later this afternoon and see what's left once everyone's had one."
"Wha....oh??? Okay" I smiled harshly and stomped over to my desk.
"Who the fook does she think she is, and cream bun nazi!" I thought.
Not being the petty man I am often mistaken for, I decided not to let it get to me and tried not to think about it, however after my brief spell as being a pious son of a bitch, I wanted as much cake as I could eat. I had a thirst for cream.

Time ticked on.

Upon my return from lunch, I saw a note on my desk from said PA which read:

"had to leave early today…"

I dealt with this note as I always deal with pointless tit bits of information she gives me and binned it wondering why she bothered to tell me- like I give damn.

I decided to stretch my legs and went over to the kitchen where two colleagues were making a cup of tea and talking about cakes.

"A'wight Matt" said Sean
"Ho Ho you better be making me a brew...make sure you stir it slowly to the left" I exclaimed.
"OI! you Cheeky little bleeder!" Bob retorted.
(This was usual office banter. I say something sarcastic or cheeky, and Bob shakes his fist at me and refers to me as a cheeky Yorkshire swine etc.)
"Have you had a cake yet?"

I signed and told them I was on the waiting list for one and explained.

"It's a cake not a bleedin' kidney" Bob declared.
"Just take one, who does she think she is?" Sean quipped.
"She's a cake Nazi" I remarked.

I decided to wait in a moment of honest to God compassion and consideration for my colleagues. For all I knew Karen or Tony could have been waiting all day for their cake, and for me to stroll in and wolf it down as funny as it would be, wouldn't be right. "What would Saint Matt the Pious do?" I thought.

Upon returning to my desk I was in conflict but soon figured ole St Matt the Pious would probably take one and scoff it greedily with his steaming hot cup of tea (stirred as requested ; slowly and to the left).

I re-entered the kitchen as there was four cakes left. 1. Vanilla Slice, 2. Choc Eclairs and 1 Chocolate Muffin. I was a no brainer, but I was conflicted. Perhaps this is Sue's muffin? But reasoned that she would have eaten it during the morning, brought it home or even hidden or labelled it. In any event surely she’d have bought more than one of this variety when she was sent on her little mission to buy them.

With a shrug of my shoulders I grabbed the chocolate muffin and brought it to my desk.
It was fantastic. A thick chocolate muffin with its top removed and a think layer of real cream piled on, with the muffin's lid resting eloquently on top of this calorie laden snack. I gave me a semi.

The next day at work I had forgotten about the muffin, but as Sue approached me with an unhappy expression on her face I recalled my actions.

"I don't want to seem churlish, but which cake did you eat yesterday?"
She looked embarrassed to have to ask me.

Now I could have explained my dilemma, and apologised, but as I'm especially poor at either of these and doing so I could envisage myself offering to go and buy her another one, so I lied.

"Oh- I didn't have one"
"Why? Is everything okay?"
"Well, I'd made sure that I bought a Chocolate cream muffin for me as they are my absolute favourite, but someone's taken it"
She said ‘favourite’ like she was a child. This irked me.

"Ohhh." I tried to look empathetic
"Have you asked the rest of the team?"
"Oh it doesn't matter.... it was probably someone from another department. I knew I should have written my name on it-…bother! I was really looking forward to it." she skulked off mumbling about getting one on her dinner break.

My guilt was overridden by a fantastic feeling of victory. I sat back in my chair and put my hands behind my head with a broad smile on my face.

That dinner break I went for a walk. I was some how drawn to the cake shop like a moth to the flame. I was being sucked in like the Millennium Falcon into the Death Star. All the while Sue’s voice was ringing around my head “I’ll get one on my dinner break…I’ll get one on my dinner break…”

I walked passed Sayers.
They had one solitary chocolate muffin in the window looking at me.
It was last bun in the shop.
“Don’t do it” my conscious cried, but it was too late.
I went in, paid for it and scoffed it on the way back to the office, looking around to ensure I hadn't been spotted.

In truth it didn't taste as good as the 'stolen' bun. In fact I felt a little sick. Remorse and chocolate are a lethal combination,

An hour or so later, after my obligatory 20 minute daily toilet break, I returned to my desk. Sitting next to my phone was a chocolate muffin from Sayers.

"What the...?!!!"

I looked around and everyone was quietly getting on with their work except Sue who was grinning at me like a loon.

She walked over.

"Is this from you?" I asked
"Yes- well it's a long story, but I felt sorry that I'd accused you of taking my muffin earlier on today."
" didn't have to. Thank you very much."
I felt sick as a pike.
"Well I felt terrible. It was that I was so down in the dumps this morning because of yesterday."
I look perplexed.
" mother? Sorry, I thought I’d written a note to say my mother had been rushed into hospital- that's why I had to leave early."
"Oh sorry- of course. How is she?" I bluffed.
"…well not too good if truth be told. She had a heart attack and at her age (90) it’s not a good sign”
I looked sympathetic, but really I was racked with guilt.
“...anyway, I went out on my lunch to buy a muffin, but they'd sold out! I was about to cry, but decided to get a taxi into town to get one."

"Really, ran out?..."

Christ I felt like a shit.

"yeah -well, I decided that it wasn't fair that you didn't get a cake yesterday” She smiled an angelic smile at me.
“The taxi cost me £5 though, they’re the most expensive cakes I’ve ever bought! So I hope you enjoy it."

I didn't.

1 comment:

Kojak said...

Thank satan I'm diabetic. Let them eat cake, they want their cake and eat it etc.
But fuck me man, you're just a greedy bastard.