Monday, July 23, 2007

The inevitable urge to piss cometh

Aside from my father’s marriage on Friday, two major and life changing events took place yesterday. One of which was that I saw the first four episodes of Heroes last night on DVD. I’ve been on the look out for a TV programme for some time now that would completely take over my life and I truly believe I’ve found it.

Having heard so much about it I was dubious as to whether it could live up to the hype, but it appealed to my mostly suppressed -inner sci fi geek.

I love it right down to the marrow of its bones!

Sadly, the second life changing was not as pleasant. It is my sad duty to inform you that I somehow I managed to wet myself! Between episodes I went to the toilet and was distracted to the sound of the rain pounding down onto the huge beech tree’s leaves from the open bathroom window as I pissed. When I walked back into the front room afterwards, I noticed my leg was slightly damp. I looked at my legs to see the unpleasant sight of two massive wet spots on the inner crotch of both legs. I turned to face Lisa and just looked at her open mouthed.

“Erm, I’ve wet myself” I said.
Lisa jumped up and looked at me eyes wide open.

“I don’t believe it! Probably a troublesome and stray pubic hair down my foreskin got in the way of my piss stream?” I said reassuring myself.

Lisa found it hilarious and I too saw the funny side, but I was actually pretty traumatised by it. Even now I’m not sure how I couldn’t have noticed.

“Are you sure you didn’t splash yourself with water from the tap?” She asked.
“Noooo! I didn’t wash my hands” I reluctantly admitted.
“You’ve probably pissed all over the floor too!”
“Nah... I doubt it”

She stomped off to check whilst I stripped my piss soaked jeans from my shameful body. I was surprised to notice that my underpants where bone dry- which re-assured me that I hadn’t suddenly become incontinent.

“It’s all over the bloody floor!!” She shouted.
“I didn’t piss my pants though!” I exclaimed proudly.

The last time I’d ever pissed myself (well sort of) was on a family holiday to France. We stopped off on route to the usual remote campsite my parents always insisted on taking us to, to use the facilities. At the impressionable age of 15 I was pretty alarmed to find out that the toilets over there were just a hole in the floor. At first, like so many unenlightened Brits, I assumed it to be a shower, however after consulting with the family friends we were travelling with and my father, I was told this was what some of the toilets were like over there. It was the first time I’d heard anyone use the phrase; ‘When in Rome…’

Sadly, on that particular occasion I needed a ‘number two’ which made my standing toilet debut so much more challenging.

I half-squatted but leaned back on the wall and relaxed my sphincter.

I can still recall the sound it made as ‘it’ fell through the air; akin to the sound Wyle. E. Coyote made when he fell off the cliff in the Roadrunner cartoons.

Fire two… Again the same noise.

I breathed a heavy sigh of relief that I had managed to have and authentic French crap. Sadly as when ever one takes a dump the inevitable urge to piss cometh, and this was no exception. I stared to wee, but because of my squat/leaning position I had adopted, I was unable to move my pants and jeans out of the way in time and I was pissing straight into my clothes which were in the customary position of being around my ankles. I struggled to stand up straight and feared that I may slip and fall near where I’d dropped ‘the kids off at the pool’ so had to swivel my hips so that the piss steam went against the wall.

Once the bladder had done it’s worse, I managed to regain my posture and stood up and assessed the damage. The seat of my jeans and pants were piss wet through…literally. This made the next six hours of travelling most unpleasant. Of course I didn’t tell anyone and just suffered in silence with only my cheap personal stereo and a home made Guns N’ Roses tape to lift my spirits.

Number One Cup- Why Did You Piss Yourself

Jamie T - Dry Off Your Cheeks

The Kingsbury Manx- Piss Dairy

Badly Drawn Boy- Pissing in the Wind

The Hidden Cameras- Golden Streams

Greenday- Armatage Shanks

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