Friday, January 27, 2006

I am a cheese sadist

Grated cheese has got the greatest texture of all sandwich fillings but it sadly falls short mark when it comes to categorising a fillings sustainability i.e. staying in the sandwich. I have been giving the concept of cheese glue a serious consideration in my mind for a while now. Surely this must be a possibility, but how would they do it and not ruin the taste of the cheese? Answer: make the glue out of cheese!

The pedants out there will just counter argue that one should not grate the cheese, rather one should slice the cheese to avoid the cheese crumbs that litter the floor around my chair here at work. My retort to these folks would be quite reasonably point out that grated cheese is my preference and that they should keep their opinions to themselves. Maybe perhaps the spill factor is what keeps my lifelong affection of the post grated cheese? Perhaps I am a cheese sadist?

Is grated cheese more economical than the regular 'whole' cheese? Is this why sandwich outlets across the land choose to grate their cheese or does it make crap cheese taste better? There is a lot I don't know about cheese, but I do know what I like. My time working in the cheese factory taught me nothing except for the skill of cutting holes in the centre of a 'cheese wheel' and the coating of said cheese wheel in wax.

By 1o'clock in this bum hole of an office, you will always see the lost flakes of cheese scattered around my keyboard and feet. Life could be much better. I stood as a young man in the prime of my life surrounded by the holes from these cheese wheels and these were the size of pint glasses. These cut offs were then brought to the staff canteen whereupon we cheese factory workers dressed in white overalls, white hats and white steel toe capped wellies could help ourselves to this rejected cheddar. Some time in July 97 I ate the thickest slice of cheese in my life and knowing that I had succumbed to gluttony and that very soon i was going to either be sick or have a heart attack was very satisfying. So nearly ten years later it is particularly sad to look upon the pathetic little pieces of cheese that got away from my sandwich and remember a better time for cheese. It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all I suppose.

With this cheese fear question swimming around in my head, I REALLY wanted a cheese sandwich and went to the shop as per usual, only they had no brown roll and could only offer me a meagre "white bap". I politely declined and thought that a trip to Greg's was in order. It will require the visiting of the Bootle Strand, a repulsive shopping centre catering for yesterday's people with the shops of tomorrow.
I mistakenly thought it would be good to feel the fresh air on my face and let the oxygen enter my system. I had also planned to acquire series 3 of 'Curb your Enthusiasm' so I was going that way anyway.

I bumped in to Kev whilst on route to Music Zone and we had a good chat about the TV we'd been watching. Funnily enough it was Kev who first brought my attentions to 'Curb...' a couple of years ago on route back from a gig in Nottingham. I also know for a fact Kev loves cheese.

After I purchased the DVD I went to Greg’s for my usual Steak Bake (my usual fortnightly cheese sandwich alternative), however I watch enchanted by their new creation the Cheese and Pepperoni pastie. Moreover, I was suitably impressed by the service they gave. I know this isn't going to sound like much, but when the young lady who was poised to serve me was asked by myself what this new concoction was she said "do you like cheese?" (spooky!). anyhow, she offered for me to try a piece; which I subsequently did and enjoyed. I simply couldn’t imagine this happening in Sayers.

On route back to the I decided that this pastie simply wouldn't keep me going until I got home and decided to get me a pack of crisps. Unfortunately I let myself down again.
I had decided previously never to purchase anymore crisps fro the local off licence, as every time i had got one there, it was out of date. In fact, my last visit -some 5 months ago- I pointed it out to the (fit) girl who worked there that they were several months out of date and she apologised accordingly- but like the soft schmuck that I am, I told her it didn't matter and took it anyway! So when I bought this packed I immediately checked out the sell by date which was friggin' Dec 05! Did I take it back?- no of course I bloody didn't, I just thanked her and went on my way.
I now feel disappointed with myself and nauscious, either because of the pasty or the mouldy crisps all because of my white bap snobbery.

No comments: