Thursday, May 10, 2007

I'm disabled!? A blaggard's lament (Disabled toilet Part IV)

After what was probably the best birthday I’d ever had over the weekend I awoke on Tuesday feeling different. I felt a little more focused than I had previously. I felt that with the dawning of a new era I can at long last succumb to maturity and adulthood.

This didn’t last long and I was soon back to my old self when I read my work e-mails, or should I say e-mail. It had been sent to the entire building from the big boss, our Strategic Director, stating that colleagues should refrain from using the disabled toilets in future!

“Oh well, If I can’t use them, no one can” I reasoned.

It then occurred to me that I wasn’t supposed to be using them anyway, so why not carry on? After all there is nothing quite like a danger poo in clean and familiar surroundings?

Alas it was this foolhardy approach that almost cost me dearly!

At my usual 11ish bowel movements, I went discreetly to the disabled toilet and did my business. Whilst there I was bent over wiping my bum, when someone tried to open the door. I froze for a moment, worrying unnecessarily that I may have perhaps left the door unlocked and be caught as a 'standing up wiper'. Thankfully I had locked the door efficiently, so I continued and finished. Before exiting the toilet I waited a few minutes….silence. The coast was clear!

I opened the door gingerly and stood leaning against the wall was the Strategic Director looking thoroughly pissed off.


I tried to play it cool, and raised my eyebrows in what I felt was a friendly manner and I was taken aback when his demeanor changed drastically and he smiled back in my direction!! In these instances I have always felt that getting you excuse in first can make the difference between life and death.

"Hi Mike, erm....about your e-mail..."
"Don't worry about it" He said apologetically.
I was stunned.
"...of course you're okay to use it- I don't want you to think that I 'm excluding you! The Equalities Team would have my guts for garters!!" He smiled warmly and walked past me to the toilet, shutting the door behind him.

I was totally perplexed and my heart was beating like a fucked clock.

I walked back to my desk trying to fathom why he'd say that to me.

It then occurred to me that perhaps he thinks I’m disabled!

Thinking back this would make sense. I went out to purchase the cream cakes on Tuesday I was limping heavily and my back was hunched over so that I could breathe properly. I was really struggling and couldn’t help think that at the at the point of turning thirty I would have ever felt so damned old and decrepit.
As I hobbled along slowly, cakes in hand when a car pulled over and offered me a lift. It was my Departmental director, Alan.

I happily jumped into the back of his expensive Saab. In the front seat of his car was the big Boss, so I made sure I avoided saying anything too funny or interesting so that he wouldn’t remember me. I was introduced to him again and shook his hand. This was actually the forth time I’ve been introduced to him, it’s very similar to Homer and Mr. Burns. Despite him referring to me as a “hippy” once, he never remembers me.

We all made small talk about the forthcoming football match between Chelsea and Liverpool. When we stopped at the traffic lights near to our office, the big boss turned around and asked me
”Why did they (my colleagues) let you go and get the cakes? That’s a bit out of order isn’t it?”
“It’s no problem, I’m not ready for the knackers yard yet” I answered assuming he was referring to my milestone birthday.
“I admire your spirit” He said.
“Well you know…”
“Alan wouldn’t” he said it chuckling to himself.
“He gets more money than me!” I replied and they both burst into fits of laughter.

He laughed and we continued to talk football.

It was either that or the cream cakes?

So I’m now in the unfortunate position of having to limp heavily every time I’m in his company. I can foresee that this is going to get complicated especially as my boss Alan is actually disabled, but doesn’t like to consider himself to be. He always uses the regular toilets etc. I’m really worried that the big boss now thinks I’m a braver disabled fellow that Alan. Worse than that is that he now remembers me!

I just hope my back and knee stay bad so I don’t forget to limp; however I have the toilet all to myself.

1 comment:

Kojak said...

Maybe you should get some suitably naff frames and an extra large lunchbox with your name written in large pen on it and take these in with you. Then you'll be able to behave with impunity.
Superman Returns was well-made, the plot was shit but I enjoyed it immensely.