Thursday, March 02, 2006

Dishonesty rained true!

"You should always have a lie up your sleeve" I told Lisa on route to work this morning referring to her impending lateness for work. "Blame the snow."

I have, to varying degrees had several lies nicely tucked away under my sleeves for a variety of wrongdoings, or potential wrong doings which in the past, has certainly saved my sorry skin. They haven't always worked, likewhen I was caught by two Mersey rail Guards during the height of my train hopping career and trying, unsuccessfully to lie my way out of it. One such example, of this pre determined telling of porky pies was when I accidentally knocked a wing mirror off a Vauxhall Astra on lark Lane with my hip on a late summer's night back in 2000.
For the record, please let it be known this was a genuine accident on my part. I was stood outside a kebab shop whilst a friend of ours, Laura was saying her fair thee wells to us all. I was tired, swimming in Guinness and unsteady on my feet. Whilst Laura went around the small group of us saying her goodbyes I wobbled and gently clipped the wing mirror with the left hand side of my hip. It fell and crashed to the kerb and rolled into the gutter.
I looked around and thought what would the honest things to do be? Should I try and locate this vehicle's owner in one of the many salubrious drinking establishments near by and explain my actions, or should I scarper?

Being a coward the latter of course seemed more appealing.

I walked up to the rest of my co-horts, "Quick, walk! NOW!"
Of course the response to this was "What? Why?"
I had no time to explain, and could just point to the ex-wing mirror enthusiastically!
The penny dropped and we started to walk away quickly.

"Hey you!!" A foreign sounding accent called after us. I looked back to see the proprietor of the fast food establishment beckoning towards us. It would be fair to say that he did not look best pleased. Not wishing to make a run for it, I decided to confront him.
Perhaps I should have ran, but as I was accompanied by several females I didn't want them to be involved in any kind of fracas that may follow, plus I had a few pre-prepared lies that would get me out of it.

I went into the shop apologising for my clumsy and fool hardy actions. I offered to recompense him should he find the right replacement.
Obviously thinking it was his lucky day, the Kebab Man agreed but wanted to take some details from me-name and phone number.
For some reason, call it foresight if you will, I had programmed my phone number on my mobile incorrectly, for I had amended the last two digits purposefully should an occasion such as this arise. I showed him my phone so he could copy down my number for future contact. He took he phone and wishing to ensure that I wasn't giving him a erroneous one, asked me to tell him my number whilst he verified it. I of course did this remembering the changed latter digits. He seemed satisfied, although I still can't believe he did try calling it whilst I was there, sucker.
I had also given him a false name- Ian Bailes; named after a former school friend who was safely living in Cambridge. Everything was in order, although there was a moment of alarm when Laura came into the shop shocked that I was 'fessing up and preparing to pay for the damages.
"Matt what are you doing?"
"Shhhhhh-My name is IAN!" I whispered.

We left the shop after several more insincere apologies, and all duly ran home sharpish before the dimwitted kebab man noticed he had been had.

Cool as a cucumber eh? Not quite, for the next two years I would insure that I never entered his establishment and always crossed over the road when walking by. Lisa to this day still finds it a hilarious notion that I believed he may have remembered me. But I like to think that I leave a last impression.

I have long since abandoned such lie preparations as I live a modest but honest life, but that doesn't mean I should walk around un-guarded. For example, when stopped by the incessant tin rattlers that plague our cities and towns, my pre-prepared lie is:

"I've just donated some money to your friend/colleague earlier" or "I just bought a Big Issue yesterday"

My last 'white lie' to a stranger was whilst we were visiting a small town on the Scottish borders a few weeks back where we stopped to acquire some quality Scottish meats and treats. Knowing full well that most Liverpudlian shops etc would be extremely unwilling to take any Scottish money we had to get rid, but unfortunately I'd somehow managed to tear a Scottish £10 in half whilst paying for a round of drinks the day before. The likely hood of anywhere in these here parts accepting a torn and sellotaped notes was even more remote, I needed to ditch it somewhere before entering good ole England.

I decided that whilst the others drool over the hand made chocolates I would ditch this note in the local Spa shop. I entered and proceed to remove £10 in order to pay for a bottle of water and then pretended that it had just ripped. The woman behind the counter was less than impressed but the pantomime worked, Dishonesty rained true!
There is a moral there somewhere.

Tonight is the T Shirt design award thingy. I'm not attending it as I believe that I have a snowball's chance in hell of winning, I just want a few free drinks. In order to prepare for a thoroughly deserved hangover I have booked Friday off work.
Should I win the £5K top prize, this will be my last blog entry as I'll be far too important to write (plus I will be fighting off the legions of people whom I owe money to)

1 comment:

McParty said...

Well i had the unfortunate experience of having the Chico's guys draw all over my face with marker pen one drunken evening some weeks ago! I darent go in for fear of being laughed at until Friday... I entered and they didn't recognise me!probably due to the fact i had no pen on my face... Moral: Always carry a marker pen and if you do something stupid then the marker pen on your face will make you less recognisable :D