The inevitable urge to piss cometh

Aside from my father’s marriage on Friday, two major and life changing events took place yesterday. One of which was that I saw the first four episodes of Heroes last night on DVD. I’ve been on the look out for a TV programme for some time now that would completely take over my life and I truly believe I’ve found it.

Having heard so much about it I was dubious as to whether it could live up to the hype, but it appealed to my mostly suppressed -inner sci fi geek.

I love it right down to the marrow of its bones!



Sadly, the second life changing was not as pleasant. It is my sad duty to inform you that I somehow I managed to wet myself! Between episodes I went to the toilet and was distracted to the sound of the rain pounding down onto the huge beech tree’s leaves from the open bathroom window as I pissed. When I walked back into the front room afterwards, I noticed my leg was slightly damp. I looked at my legs to see the unpleasant sight of two massive wet spots on the inner crotch of both legs. I turned to face Lisa and just looked at her open mouthed.

“Erm, I’ve wet myself” I said.
Lisa jumped up and looked at me eyes wide open.

“I don’t believe it! Probably a troublesome and stray pubic hair down my foreskin got in the way of my piss stream?” I said reassuring myself.

Lisa found it hilarious and I too saw the funny side, but I was actually pretty traumatised by it. Even now I’m not sure how I couldn’t have noticed.

“Are you sure you didn’t splash yourself with water from the tap?” She asked.
“Noooo! I didn’t wash my hands” I reluctantly admitted.
“You’ve probably pissed all over the floor too!”
“Nah... I doubt it”

She stomped off to check whilst I stripped my piss soaked jeans from my shameful body. I was surprised to notice that my underpants where bone dry- which re-assured me that I hadn’t suddenly become incontinent.

“It’s all over the bloody floor!!” She shouted.
“I didn’t piss my pants though!” I exclaimed proudly.

The last time I’d ever pissed myself (well sort of) was on a family holiday to France. We stopped off on route to the usual remote campsite my parents always insisted on taking us to, to use the facilities. At the impressionable age of 15 I was pretty alarmed to find out that the toilets over there were just a hole in the floor. At first, like so many unenlightened Brits, I assumed it to be a shower, however after consulting with the family friends we were travelling with and my father, I was told this was what some of the toilets were like over there. It was the first time I’d heard anyone use the phrase; ‘When in Rome…’

Sadly, on that particular occasion I needed a ‘number two’ which made my standing toilet debut so much more challenging.

I half-squatted but leaned back on the wall and relaxed my sphincter.

I can still recall the sound it made as ‘it’ fell through the air; akin to the sound Wyle. E. Coyote made when he fell off the cliff in the Roadrunner cartoons.

Fire two… Again the same noise.

I breathed a heavy sigh of relief that I had managed to have and authentic French crap. Sadly as when ever one takes a dump the inevitable urge to piss cometh, and this was no exception. I stared to wee, but because of my squat/leaning position I had adopted, I was unable to move my pants and jeans out of the way in time and I was pissing straight into my clothes which were in the customary position of being around my ankles. I struggled to stand up straight and feared that I may slip and fall near where I’d dropped ‘the kids off at the pool’ so had to swivel my hips so that the piss steam went against the wall.

Once the bladder had done it’s worse, I managed to regain my posture and stood up and assessed the damage. The seat of my jeans and pants were piss wet through…literally. This made the next six hours of travelling most unpleasant. Of course I didn’t tell anyone and just suffered in silence with only my cheap personal stereo and a home made Guns N’ Roses tape to lift my spirits.

Number One Cup- Why Did You Piss Yourself

Jamie T - Dry Off Your Cheeks

The Kingsbury Manx- Piss Dairy

Badly Drawn Boy- Pissing in the Wind

The Hidden Cameras- Golden Streams

Greenday- Armatage Shanks

Just Call Me Costanza (another web of lies ensues)

For once it’s Lisa who’s suggested a web of lies for me to perform, and as ever I’m ready for the challenge.

Lisa was due to go over to Leeds to meet up with two friends from college whom she hadn’t seen for a while. She was looking forward to meeting up with them and she was especially looking forward to a night out in the fine city of Leeds. The weekend had been planned for nearly 6 weeks now, but when texting one of these chums to see if it was okay still for her to stay at her flat she received a text saying words to the effect that they couldn’t be arsed going out in Leeds and preferred it if they could come to Liverpool to ‘reminisce’ and “it’s okay for us to stay at yours isn’t it?”

Naturally Lisa was offended by this, after all you don’t change plans last minute and assume to be staying at someone else’s? I agreed with her wholeheartedly when she relayed the correspondence, in fact I don’t think I had ever taken such a keen interest in any of her problems or stresses as much as I had with this particular predicament.
She did the sensible thing and text back stating that I was crippled with pain, on crutches etc etc and that it wouldn’t be a good idea and could they re-arrange for another time?. Of course I said that I didn’t mind if they wanted to stay.

“Really you wouldn’t mind?” A friend asked me when I regaled this scenario.
“Well that’s what makes me such a special person” I answered quietly confident they wouldn’t be staying.

…I was wrong.

Once Lisa had sent this text message she immediately received a phone call from the friend in question. Lisa, who’s preferred method of ‘text lying’ Is to ignore the message and say that she hadn’t seen it until the following day, by which time of course it’s too late or she has time to conjur up an excuse (the world’s worst excuse I frequently tell her) so when she answered the phone she was out of her depth and comfort zone and in a muddle of panic and guilt agreed to have them over.

“No….really? they’re coming?”
“You said you didn’t mind” She informed me.
“I know, but I was confident they wouldn’t come”
“Well it serves you right then doesn’t it!?”

It was only for Saturday, so I could cope I suppose. After all I’ve always got on with them. One of the girls in question lived with Lisa for a few years and went to my halls of residence so I know her quite well. A nice girl but who swears way too much in her loud Northern Irish voice. “Fuck NO!!!!” is her favourite line and is used in place of a “no way” type scenarios or just generally yelling “Fuck!!” at the top of her voice for no apparent reason.

Her other friend we haven’t seen for about 6 years, in fact I think the last time I saw her was the day of my first ever gig with the band! Both of her friends always laughed a little too heartedly at my jokes, which at first is flattering but after a while becomes grating -“your SOOO funny” and applauding over zealously at the merest whiff of humour.
There was a caveat to their staying however:

“I told them you’re bed bound…”
“What!?”
She found my reaction hilarious.
“Well I had to make Michelle feel as if it’s really bad so they couldn’t come.”
“But I’m getting better- I’m only using one crutch now!”
“So- you’ll just have to use both of them when you get up- but I told her you spent all you time in the bedroom.”
“Why should I!? They’re your friends- I can’t get to the Playstation/computer?! Can’t you just explain that I’m recovering much better now?”
“I can’t- I laid it on pretty thick.”
“Then why the hell is she still coming?”
“Because she reckons the three of us won’t be able to meet up until 2013!!!”
“Okay- but why can’t you go to Leeds still”
“She wants to reminisce!”
“What she wants to go the Student Union, drink watered down larger, play some pool, cop off with some spotting hair straightened stripy top wear emo student go to the Jackeranda and spend the remainder of the evening dancing in Baa Bar?”
“Oh I don’t know…but I thought you revelled in your excuse making and web of lies?”

She appealed to my ego....

“…I mean, how many times have I got embroiled in one of your lies to get you out of anything?”
“When!!??” I demanded to know.
“Yesterday you fat head!!…You made up a back story so if Steve asks me where you were when he asked if he could come over.”

She had a point. When I told a friend that I wasn’t home without giving an explanation I told Lisa to pass on the story that I was at the hospital waiting to be X-Rayed and had to wait an eon to get it done and hilariously (and typically me) I left my copies of the X-rays in the back of the taxi. OF course I was just sat on the bed watching The Pink Panther and couldn’t be arsed seeing anyone.- but I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.

So reluctantly, I’ve agreed to have to ‘put it on’. If ever there was a challenge I relish, it’s providing people with elaborate excuses- after all I’ve so frequently been called the master. So with much gusto I shall try to pull the wool over Lisa’s two friends. It ought to be easy too- just lay in bed watching TV.

Just call me Costanza!

MP3

(follow links)-

Broken Family Band - Honest Man’s Blues

Sugar- Feeling Better

The Earlies- Burn the Liars

The Kingsbury Manx- New Old Friend Blues